Letting Mom and Dad Live on Their Own Terms

Millions of us went home for the holidays. Well, not "home" exactly. In reality, millions of us left home, and went back for the holidays. Back to who we used to be, back to where we came from, and in some cases, back in time. Like salmon up the river, we inexplicably navigated back to the people of our birth. Our parents.

Have you ever made the trip thinking, what if this is the last time? Parents age, especially when we're not looking, and most especially when we live far away from them. Periodic visits sharpen our senses. All of a sudden, we may be witnessing our parents in steep decline, heading toward the exit ramp, and it raises all kinds of questions.

When will it be time for assisted living? Should Mom still be driving? Are they taking their pills? Is Dad's memory actually shot?

These realizations can be tough, especially if your parents have been role models of determination and resourcefulness. Dealing with normal age-related decline can cause dissention amongst siblings, too, because each has a different relationship with Mom and Dad.

Whose life is it anyway? We live our lives free to make our own mistakes, to put ourselves at risk and determine our own destinies. Why should this change just because we're old?

In our culture, roles often reverse: At some point adult children seem to think they need to parent their parents. This is fine if a parent asks for help, but often elderly parents are resentful because their middle-aged kids keep bossing them around. Their final years are full of conflict and humiliation because of well-meaning -- but strong-willed -- children, intent on removing the "risks" of living.

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Letting Mom and Dad Live on Their Own Terms