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Ms.
Faye is 75, and her mother, Yetta Meisel, a widow, is 99. The former
art teacher fills her days helping her mother bathe, making her meals,
picking up medications, scheduling home aides and transporting a
wheelchair for excursions.
“Ironically,
we did not think she would live this long — she wasn’t all that
healthy,” Ms. Faye said, noting years of painful stomach ailments and
arthritis. Besides difficulty walking and some cognitive impairment,
“she is doing fantastic.”
Ms. Faye and
her mother are part of what many experts say is a growing phenomenon:
Children in their 60s and 70s who are spending their retirement years
caring for parents who are in their 90s and beyond.
Because of longer life spans, many adult
children and their parents are now “aging together,” said Kathrin
Boerner, an associate professor of gerontology at the University of
Massachusetts Boston.
“People in their
late 60s and early 70s thought this would be a time of life when some
of their responsibilities would drop off,” Dr. Boerner said. “Even
though it may be a gift to still have your parents, it can be really
rough.”
Besides forcing Ms. Faye to abandon her
retirement dreams, her mother’s longevity has taken a financial toll. In
2001, Ms. Faye, an only child, persuaded her parents to move to Amherst
from Rochester, N.Y. They paid for an addition to Ms. Faye’s home,
where they intended to live. Instead, her parents moved into a
three-bedroom condominium nearby. Ms. Faye and her husband, who is 77,
turned the addition into a bed-and-breakfast suite. “It was fun — I
loved it,” she said.
After Mrs.
Meisel’s husband died five years ago, she qualified for a state program
that paid some of the costs of home aides. While Ms. Faye ran her
B&B, she paid for round-the-clock care for Mrs. Meisel and her
mother’s other expenses by dipping into a nest egg of about $250,000
that her father left. Within several years, the money was gone, she
said.
On the advice of a financial
adviser, Ms. Faye has put her house — with her “fabulous” gardens and an
art studio — on the market. The B&B is closed. Ms. Faye and her
husband moved into Mrs. Meisel’s condo, and her mother moved into a
one-bedroom unit in the same building.
To
save money, Ms. Faye cut back on the home aides. She cares for her
mother three days a week, and Mrs. Meisel’s Social Security and the
state program pay the balance for her care. The $200 left over each
month from Mrs. Meisel’s Social Security payment does not cover the rest
of her expenses; Ms. Faye said she chips in from a $1,000 monthly
pension she receives from a government administrative job.
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With no assets of
her own, Mrs. Meisel would be eligible for nursing home care paid by
Medicaid. “I could have said to my mother, ‘Off to the nursing home with
you,’ but I couldn’t say that to her,’” she said. As difficult as her
responsibilities are, Ms. Faye said, she considers herself “incredibly
fortunate” to have a mother with a good sense of humor and who thanks
her regularly.
Dr. Boerner is using a
federal grant to study the relationships of 120 parents who are 90 and
older and whose children are 65 and older. She found that many
late-in-life caregivers, typically daughters, suffer from their own
failing health, which can worsen with the stress, physical tasks and
isolation that often accompany caregiving. And the financial picture can
become dire. “When parents outlive their resources, the child spends
resources meant for their own later life,” Dr. Boerner said.
The
situation can be difficult enough for families who are close and
loving. But if the parent and child had a “toxic” relationship many
years ago, the child can become particularly stressed as old resentments
bubble up, and the quality of caregiving could suffer, she said.
The
deleterious impact on an older caregiver’s health may continue after a
parent’s death. One study found that married daughters who cared for
their mothers were more likely than non-caregivers to become depressed
and to develop high blood pressure. Single men had higher incidences of
heart problems than non-caregivers. These conditions persisted after the
parent died.
“It’s hard to get rid of
these chronic conditions once you have them,” said Courtney Harold Van
Houtven, a co-author of that study and a population health sciences
professor at Duke University School of Medicine.
To alleviate
stress and to stay healthy, experts recommend that late-in-life
caregivers take breaks, get regular checkups, maintain social
connections and exercise. Ms. Faye said her exercise regimen, Pilates
and running her two Havanese through a dog agility course, “helps keep
me sane.”
But taking personal time
could depend on the family’s ability to pay for home aides, adult day
care and other “respite” programs. Medicaid picks up some costs for
people with limited assets, but the number of hours allowed differ by
state.
To figure out what’s
financially doable, it may help to seek professional advice. An
accountant will calculate tax breaks for home care and other services.
Local senior programs could offer guidance on free and reduced-cost
programs, including counseling for burned-out caregivers.
A geriatric care manager
can estimate the costs of different kinds of support a parent may need
over time, said Steven A. Starnes, a certified financial planner with
Grand Wealth Management in Grand Rapids, Mich. With these assumptions, a
financial adviser can assess what the caregiver can afford.
A
financial review, Mr. Starnes said, may “help people get more
comfortable with spending money on some level of support” — perhaps
adult day care once a week. But children who are draining their own
retirement savings should consider a nursing home that accepts Medicaid,
and then pay for restaurant outings and other extras, he said.
“I
don’t recommend putting your own financial security at risk to help
your parents,” Mr. Starnes said. “Of course, it’s easier for me to say
it than for someone emotionally to do it.”
Even when they do not pay for care, many older caregivers make financial
sacrifices. In some cases, children, particularly women, are retiring
earlier than they planned or are cutting back on hours, experts say.
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Margaret Willits,
70, and Judi Flamenbaum, 72, who are sisters, left full-time
professional jobs to care for their mother, Frances Silverstein, a
100-year-old widow. The three live in a two-bedroom apartment in
Brookline, Mass.
Three years ago, when
she was 97, Mrs. Silverstein was living alone in Brookline, and Ms.
Willits was working full time as a nurse in charge of assessments at a
nearby nursing home. She cooked her mother’s meals, did her laundry and
ran errands. “I was no spring chicken, and I was doing all this running
around,” Ms. Willits said.
Mrs.
Silverstein’s walking ability had declined, so Ms. Willits decided to
move her mother into the nursing home, where she could keep an eye on
her. Mrs. Silverstein paid the facility with the roughly $20,000 in her
Individual Retirement Account, and Medicaid picked up the tab when those
funds were depleted.
Four months
later, the nursing home closed. The sisters decided their mother would
not fare well in another facility, so Ms. Willits found a place large
enough for three people. Both sisters are divorced.
Ms.
Flamenbaum retired from her job at LaGuardia Community College in
Queens and moved to Brookline. Ms. Willits had found another full-time
job, and Ms. Flamenbaum planned to care for their mother while her
sister worked.
“I loved my job,” Ms. Flamenbaum said. “It was a difficult time, and my friends thought I was crazy. We were going to travel.”
But the demands
of caregiving forced Ms. Willits to cut to part-time administrative work
she could do from home — a loss of earnings she said put a dent in her
retirement savings. She had planned to work for two more years.
Mrs.
Silverstein’s Social Security pays for part of the rent and some bills.
Medicaid pays for an aide six hours a day for six days a week. When the
aide is in the apartment, the sisters visit restaurants and museums,
meet friends and go to the movies. “You have to be good to yourself,”
Ms. Willits said.
Even with a knee
replacement, Ms. Willits can move her mother from a chair to her walker.
Ms. Flamenbaum’s scoliosis and osteoporosis make physical work more
difficult. If their mother eventually needs additional care, the sisters
said, she will probably move into a nursing home.
The
sisters said they are preparing for their own longevity. Their
apartment building is run by a nonprofit organization that provides a
range of services for seniors, and they said they have told their
children that they do not expect them to become caregivers. “I would not
do this to my child,” Ms. Flamenbaum said. “Put me in a nursing home.”
Mrs.
Silverstein says she keeps busy watching CNN and listening to books on
tape. Though she and her daughters, she said, “don’t see eye to eye on
certain things,” Mrs. Silverstein praised the care they provide.
“Their
life has been really rough since I can’t really move too much,” she
said. “I am very lucky — they have been wonderful in every way.”
Full Article & Source:
At 75, Taking Care of Mom, 99: ‘We Did Not Think She Would Live This Long’
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