I Wouldn't Have Missed It for the World - 10 Things I Learned When My Father Had Dementia

by Fanny Johnstone

After a stroke, at 81, my clever, funny, obstinate father developed vascular dementia in November 2011. We swiftly came to understand that someone with dementia has difficulty with planning and understanding things, from breakfast choices to bigger life events. Changes to mood are inevitable, because they feel disoriented, confused and vulnerable. Balance can be challenging; memory and language fade – eventually, we were told, he would lose the ability to walk or talk …. It was unimaginable, but it happened.

My mother cared for him on her own heroically for about 18 months before my husband suggested that we move to Cornwall to help her. My dad’s prognosis was not good. He wasn’t expected to live for more than a couple of years – and he didn’t. I had 18 months with him and Mum, going back and forth from my father’s former painting studio in the garden, where my husband, daughter and I sort of camped out. My brother came home regularly, too. This is what I learned.

Writing helps

I kept a diary every day. I grieved so hard during and after his death that I wrote endlessly about that time. It was a way to hold on to him, to process things, to scream and cry on to a silent page so that my family didn’t have to cope with yet more tears. But it was also a chance to record the sweeter, lighter, funnier things about it, because our one piece of luck was that the dementia softened my father. He became much more emotionally available and was able to laugh a lot. I don’t know if this is the case for everyone, but, despite the occasional bout of anger or frustration, my dad yielded rather than fought.

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I Wouldn't Have Missed It for the World - 10 Things I Learned When My Father Had Dementia