This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old
woman. It was so amusing that the bank’s manager decided to have it
published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank
you for
bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, 3 nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it.. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for
only 8 years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for
the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned
by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even
further. When you call me, press buttons as follows. IMMEDIATELY AFTER
DIALING, PRESS THE STAR BUTTON FOR ENGLISH.
1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4 To
transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer
the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer
the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message
on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password
will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. 10. This is a second reminder to press for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so
slightly less prosperous New Year. Your Humble Client And remember.
Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place,
so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
