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| Relationships between adult children and their parents can fray with
age. Experts offer help on how loved ones can preserve the love and
negotiate those tension-filled final years. (iStock/Getty Images) |
By Judith Graham
David Solie’s 89-year-old mother, Carol, was unyielding. “No, I will
not move,” she told her son every time he suggested that she leave her
home and relocate to a senior living residence.
And it didn’t stop there. Although Carol suffered from coronary
artery disease, severe osteoporosis, spinal compression fractures and
unsteady balance, she didn’t want assistance. When Solie brought in
aides to help after a bad fall and subsequent surgery, his mother fired
them in a matter of days.
“In her mind, she considered it a disgrace to have anybody in her home,”
Solie said. “This was her domain for over 50 years, a place where she did everything by herself and in her own way.”
Conflicts of this sort often threaten relationships between aging
parents and their adult children just when understanding and support are
needed the most. Instead of working together to solve problems,
families find themselves feuding and riven by feelings of resentment and
distress.
Solie got so worked up, he considered going to court and asking for a
conservatorship ― a legal arrangement that would have given him control
over his mother’s affairs. (The situation was complicated because
Solie’s brother, who has Down syndrome, lived at the family home.) But
Solie’s lawyer advised that this course of action would destroy his
relationship with his mother.
Today, Solie, a health care consultant and writer with a well-regarded
blog about aging,
sounds the same theme when he consults with adult children caring for
parents. Make preserving trust and keeping your relationship intact ―
not winning arguments ― a priority, he suggests. What your parents most
need is confidence that you’ll listen to them, take their concerns
seriously and stay by their side no matter what happens, he says.
How adult children communicate with parents can go a long way toward
easing tensions, Solie says. Instead of telling your parent what to do,
ask how they’d prefer to solve problems. Elicit their priorities and
recognize their values when making suggestions. Give them choices
whenever possible. Be attuned to their unexpressed needs and fears.
When Dr. Lee Lindquist,
chief of geriatrics at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of
Medicine, asked 68 older adults in eight focus groups why they resisted
help, the answers varied. They said they were afraid of losing their
independence, becoming a burden on loved ones, being taken advantage of
and relinquishing control over their lives.
Asked what might make a difference, the older adults said they liked
the idea of “interdependence” ― acknowledging that people need one
another from childhood to older age. And they found it helpful to think
that “by accepting help, they were in turn helping the person providing
the help,” according to
Lindquist’s study, published last year in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society.
Unfortunately, no amount of patience, compassion or forbearance will
work in some conflict-ridden circumstances. But here’s some of what
experts have learned:
Be patient. Give your parents time to adjust. At
first, Jane Wolf Frances’ 87-year-old mother, Lillian Wolf, wouldn’t
consider moving with Jane’s father from New York City to the Los Angeles
area, where Frances, her only child, lived.
Although Lillian had Alzheimer’s disease and Frances had planned to
give her one-story house to her parents, “I deferred to my mother’s fear
that she was going to be losing something essential,” she said.
Jane Wolf Frances (center) with her parents, Jack and Lillian Wolf, in 1963(Courtesy of Jane Wolf Frances)
During three years of caregiving, Frances had learned to not rush her
parents. She knew they had slowed down and needed time to process
change.
So Frances waited until her parent’s home health aide called with
concerns about their ability to live independently. After discussing the
situation with their physician, Frances approached her mother again. A
move to assisted living would be a fresh start, allowing the family to
spend more time together, she said. After several conversations, her
mother finally agreed.
Frances, a psychologist, is the author of a new book, “Parenting Our
Parents: Transforming the Challenge Into a Journey of Love” and founder
of
www.parentingourparents.org.
Stay calm when disagreements arise with your elderly parents and tamp
down your emotional reactions, she tells families. Listen carefully to
your parents’ concerns and let them know you’re trying to help them
accomplish their goals, not impose your agenda.
“It’s often helpful to say to your parents ‘I’m doing this for you;
I’d like you to do something for me,’” Frances said. “People who are
good parents perk up on that one and will ask, ‘OK, what can I do for
you?’ Then, you can tell them, ‘You can let me help you more.’”
Let them know you’re on their side. Denise Brown was
convinced her parents, Roger and Sally Loeffler, were making a terrible
decision. In the previous year, Roger, 84, had been diagnosed with
bladder and prostate cancer and undergone extensive surgery. Sally, 81,
had suffered three internal bleeds and had one-third of her stomach
removed.
Denise Brown (center) with her siblings and parents, Sally and Roger Loeffler(Courtesy of Denise Brown)
Brown didn’t think they could live on their own anymore, and her
parents had moved into a retirement community upon her recommendation.
But then, at a family meeting, her mother stood up and said, “I’m not
dying in this dump. I hate it here.” As Brown and her siblings turned to
their father, he said, “I’ll do whatever your mom wants.”
When her parents decided to move to an apartment, Brown was
confrontational. “I raised my voice and said, ‘This is not good, this is
terrible,’” she said. “They were shocked, but they said ‘It doesn’t
matter; this is what we’re going to do.’”
As Brown thought about her reaction, she realized she thought her
parents would be safer and have a more “gentle” death in the retirement
community: “Then it occurred to me ― this wasn’t what my parents wanted.
They valued their independence. It’s their decision about how the end
of life plays out.”
Brown let her parents know she’d respect their wishes but would need to set limits. Her work ― Brown is the founder of
http://www.CareGiving.com
― had to be a priority, and her parents would need to arrange other
assistance if she couldn’t be available. (Brown’s two brothers and
sister help out.) And they’d have to be willing to talk openly about how
their choices were affecting her.
What doesn’t work: trying to communicate when any one of them is
tired or angry. “We never get anywhere,” Brown said. “Everybody gets
defensive and shuts down.”
What does work: “asking them questions like how do you think we
should try to solve this problem? It’s interesting to hear their
answers, and it makes working together so much easier.”
Stop expecting your parents to be as they used to be.
After her father’s death, Loi Eberle was distraught when her mother,
Lucille Miller, became involved with a man she and her siblings didn’t
like. With his encouragement, Miller invested in real estate and lost a
great deal of money.
But nothing Eberle or her siblings said could convince her mother that this relationship was destructive.
Eberle struggled with resentment and anger as her mother’s needs
escalated after a heart attack and a diagnosis of myasthenia gravis, a
severe neurological disease. “Mom and I had this love/hate relationship
all my life, and there was a huge need for healing in this
relationship,” she said.
Loi Eberle and her mother, Lucille Miller, in 2012(Courtesy of Loi Eberle)
In 2012, Eberle moved Miller, then 89, from her longtime home in
Minneapolis to a nursing home in northern Idaho, near where Eberle
lives. Gradually, she realized that her mother “had transitioned to
being someone else” ― someone who was vulnerable and at her life’s end.
“I think for a long time I had this idea that I was going to help Mom
come back to who she was, and I spent a lot of time trying to do that,”
Eberle said. “I finally had to forgive myself for failure and
understand that this is the life process.”
With this shift in perspective, emotional tension dissipated. “When
I’d visit, my mother was always so happy to see me,” Eberle said. Miller
died in March 2017 at age 94.
Letting go of unrealistic expectations can defuse conflicts. This is
the final stage of your journey with your parents. Try to put angst to
one side and help make this time meaningful for them and for you. Most
of all, your parents want to feel emotionally connected and accepted,
even in a diminished state.
Full Article & Source:
Parenting Your Aging Parents When They Don’t Want Help
