A Risk in Caring for Abusive Parents

Who could condemn someone for staying far away from a parent, even an ailing or dying parent, who mistreated him or her as a child?
 

“He was a terrible father and mean, so I didn’t feel bad about moving out of state a few years before he died,” wrote Murre from Alaska. “I was glad not to see him anymore and relieved when he died.”

Adam from Phoenix spent his childhood traumatized by his parents’ abuse. “They remain unapologetic, and I’d gladly let them rot if they one day could not fend for themselves,” he wrote.

Yet we also heard from people who had agreed to become caregivers even if their parents had been, or remained, abusive. “I live by a moral code,” said Minerva from New York City, who cared for her alcoholic and bipolar mother. “It was my responsibility and I stepped up to the plate.”
 

Helen S. from Connecticut supervised her angry, meddlesome mother’s care and had lunch with her nearly every Sunday until she died. “I felt I had done the decent thing, and it helped me to put the remaining anger and resentment to rest,” Helen wrote.

 

We know relatively little about how many adults become caregivers for abusive or neglectful parents, or about why they choose to — or not to. But thanks to a recent study, we can see that those who report having endured childhood maltreatment are more vulnerable than other caregivers to depression when tending to their abusive parents.

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A Risk in Caring for Abusive Parents