You love your aging parent, but that doesn't mean you should be their primary caregiver.
If you had vertigo, no one would expect you to fly a Boeing 747. If
you add two plus two and don’t get four, maybe a career in accounting
isn’t for you. And if, like me, you attempt painting and wind up with a
jumbled mess of unimpressive stick figures and bland colors, it’s OK to
admit, “Gee, art isn’t my strong suit, but I have other talents.”
So why don’t we approach the question of who should be the primary caregiver for an aging loved one with the same logic?
I knew a woman who couldn’t stand her mother, balance a checkbook or
stomach the thought of organizing another person’s life. She was wracked
with guilt about how to handle her mom’s physical decline. As the only
daughter with two male siblings, she assumed she was drafted for the
role of caregiver when it came time to intervene and help her mother
navigate her failing health.
“I’m the daughter,” she said one day when we were having coffee. “Mom’s care falls on me.”
“You’re assuming a lot,” I replied. “Wouldn’t it be better to look at
what your mom needs and who best can help her instead of just taking on
a role based on some outdated notion of who should do what?”
Another time, I interviewed a man who wanted to help his ailing
parents, but didn’t have as close an emotional relationship with them as
his brother and sister did. He worked in finance and his parents
needed help with handling their money, so I suggested he quit trying to
do a little bit of everything, some of which was out of his comfort
zone, and instead, talk to his siblings about “dividing and conquering.”
That way, he could take on the focused and essential role of financial
caregiver while his siblings addressed their other needs, such as
taking them to doctor appointments and talking nightly by phone.
As you consider an aging loved one’s needs now and in the future,
remember that there are lots of ways to help, and not everyone is cut
out for the demands of a primary caregiver. Remove the emotion and the
“shoulds” and consider these valid reasons why you shouldn’t be a loved
one’s primary caregiver.
You don’t particularly care for the caree.
Think about it. You spend most of your lives together in contention
and yet, when she’s older, you’re supposed to snap to it and become
mom’s BFF and caretaker extraordinaire. At best, that’s a stretch. At
worst, it’s a no-win situation for you both. Your tenuous relationship
to the caree before their caregiving needs took center stage will
influence whether or not you’re the right choice to lead the charge when
their care needs grow.
Your family dynamics are too challenging.
You see it all the time – brothers and sisters who don’t get along
squabbling over who’ll do what to help mom or dad. It can become more of
a power struggle between family members rather than a well-designed
plan for tackling the caregiving challenges at hand. If your family
dynamics are difficult, maybe it’s best to step back from infighting
and, in the interest of keeping the peace, let someone else take on the
primary caregiver role.
Your skill sets don’t include managing people and money.
It may be hard to admit that you don’t have the organizational or
bookkeeping skills to plan ahead for a caree’s busy life or make sure
they pay their bills on time. Look at managing people and money as skill
sets and, just as you would if you were hiring for a position, aim to
find the best person for the job, whether it’s someone from inside the
caree’s inner circle or trusted outside help.
You’re already maxed out in your work and home life.
The common term for those who manage the lives of both their children
and parents is “the sandwich generation.” They’re caught between two
extremely demanding groups, while often attempting to work fulltime,
manage a relationship of their own and eke out some semblance of a
social life.
Caregiving sometimes falls to the least burdened member of the family
– the single one or the one whose kids have flown the nest – for a
reason. While that’s not always fair, it makes sense. If you’re maxed
out because the kids aren’t going to get to school and doctor
appointments on their own, that may be all you can swing. How are you
going to take on primary care for anyone else?
Patience isn’t your strong suit.
This is a hard one for most people to admit. We like to think of ourselves as having the
patience of Job.
But even Job would find the role of primary caregiver daunting. You not
only need to be patient with the time it takes to handle someone else’s
life, you need to be patient with the “someone,” too.
Talking to Medicare folks on the phone or standing in line at a bank
to share your Power of Attorney so you can make financial decisions on
the caree’s behalf can quickly consume hours. Add that to the patience
required to walk and talk slower to accommodate the caree, communicate
in a different way than you’re used to and engage more physically and
emotionally than you might have previously, and you may end up overdrawn
on your reserves of perseverance and unflappability.
You’re not equipped to manage the level of care required.
No one likes admitting that they may not be up for a task, but
reality sets in once you assess the level of effort required to manage a
loved one’s needs. There are several reasons why you may be
ill-equipped. Perhaps you’re physically unable to lift a non-ambulatory
person out of bed to go to the bathroom.
You don’t know enough about the disease afflicting your loved one to
advocate and support them. You can’t watch the person 24 hours a day,
but if you don’t, they risk falling or getting lost. Or, maybe you’re
not in the greatest health yourself and could put both you and your
loved one in jeopardy if you overextend yourself.
When it comes to caregiving,
the bottom line is doing what needs to be done to help the person in need.
That means different levels of care for different people since every
situation is unique. Of course, not everyone can afford outside help.
But if you can afford it, and your caree is open to it, you have more
options and can possibly circumvent potential challenges such as being
maxed out with your own life or fighting with siblings who share the
burden.
When possible, sometimes the best thing to do is step aside. You can
show your love and support in other ways, by calling and visiting as
frequently as possible or, as the man in the example above did, by
aligning your efforts with your expertise, like managing finances.
If, for whatever reason, you decide against being your aging loved
one’s primary caregiver, support the person who is best suited to lead
the charge, whether it’s a family member, a professional in-home
caregiver or someone at a senior care community.
Full Article & Source:
You Shouldn't Be a Caregiver
